I wasn’t actually expecting anyone to notice right away that I was semi-back on line. So to begin with, thank you all you (real) people* who posted in response to last night’s brief appearance. It’s been a long time coming, the new blog, and then it happened and I didn’t realise it had happened, but I got an email come-on from WordPress saying, hey! Why don’t you log in!, and I thought, ha ha ha, since my tech karma has been even worse than usual . . . most of the last year.** Or possibly century. My sense of time is not good. A long time.
Of course I had an interesting time, logging in, and after I had given up and was going to talk to Blogdad*** in the morning, I had this new email**** offering me a WordPress password reset link. In a fit of painful hilarity I clicked on it . . . and it let me do it. So, lightheaded with a previously unknown rapture, I thought I’d try posting a few words because that certainly wouldn’t work.
. . . Some things don’t change. I’m now up to and over my old-standard post length having told you a very long story in the footnotes.
Thanks for reading.
* * *
* And all you bots, go away. Presumably there is a blocking add-on on the to-do list^ somewhere. Meanwhile, if I inadvertently delete anyone real—and two comments have come in twice, and I’ve deleted one of each of these, but if this bounces back to the sender as refused and rejected I’m very sorry but I haven’t deleted you, I’ve only exorcised your doppelganger.
^ Not my to-do list! Blogdad’s [sic]!+
+ It’s a long story. I’m coming to it.
** For example. The faithful Pooka, who is a 4s, and therefore something like six years old, which is beyond Methuselah in iPhone terms, has been failing. She has totally earned her retirement, and I wish all my tech were this reliable.^ I waffled exceedingly about how to replace her, assuming it would be a 7 or an 8 and did I want the same little-pocket size or go up to the large-palm size, and of course I was going to stay with the little one because the whole bigger-harder-faster-more thing is bogus and a pain in the rear. And then Hannah^^ said that she wished she’d got the bigger size and I thought, oh. Crap. It was at about this interesting point of nonprogress that I started reading reviews of the X. I never meant even to read reviews of the X, but as soon as you start googling iPhones, the X appears and sits on your chest like an incubus. And maybe all the reviewers have the same contact lens prescription or maybe Apple slipped them all the same eyeball enhancer in their beer at the launch event, but there is a curious unanimity that the screen on the X is a Significant Leap Forward, in fact the First Significant Leap Forward in screen fabulousness since the iPhone was first unveiled to a breathless world. And I want Pooka Mach 2 to last as long as the original did.^^^ And I don’t want Hannah, the next time she’s here, to say, oh, you should have got the X! The screen is amazing!
So I bought the X. It only took a third mortgage and half of a fourth.^^^^
Raphael, Computer Angel,% set her up for me, making soothing noises%% as he did so, and slipping so softly out the front door afterward that the Pooka 2 didn’t immediately notice that she was alone with me. AND IT WAS A FRIDAY AFTERNOON. All went . . . um . . . reasonably well . . . um. At first. And then I tried to buy something. Maybe Apple was satiated with the price of the X herself and thought having fun was worth a few pence of app sales.
The App Store wouldn’t let me buy anything.
I found myself in an endless loop of putting in my password and being sent to my Verification Page, which is the same frelling verification page I’ve had for six years, and when I ‘confirmed’ it . . . I was back at the putting-in-my-password screen. And I put in my password, and then . . .
This went on for MOST OF THE WEEKEND. There were occasional excursions into supporting documentation like the pop up that said, We won’t charge you till you buy something! I’m only frelling here because I’m trying to buy something.
Finally, staring at the (*&^%$£”!!!!!!!!!!! verifrellingcation page for the 1,000,000,000,000th time with hot eyes and smoke coming out of my ears . . . I stripped everything out of the thrice-blasted form and put it all back in again EXACTLY THE SAME WAY IT HAD BEEN BEFORE.
And I went and tried to download my rhyming dictionary. Which actually tried to download . . . briefly . . . I GOT ALL EXCITED . . . and then it stopped.
And there was the verification page again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH.
So staring with even hotter eyes, and the dense red-streaked black smoke boiling out of my ears was definitely contributing to the national air pollution level, I noticed that the frellingfrellingfrellingFRELLING page had REMOVED the three back-of-card confirmation numbers. Which I had just put in, with everything else, about thirty seconds ago.
So I put them back in.
AND IT WORKED. I COULD BUY STUFF. TELL ME WHY IT WORKED.
No, better not. I probably couldn’t take the strain.
^ Not that she hasn’t had her little ways. But you only say nice things at retirement parties.+
+ It was however difficult to find a gold watch small enough. And we had to put her on a stepladder to be visible over the podium.
^^ My BFF.+ I haven’t figured out about the seamless segue from the old blog, which is to say there isn’t going to be a seamless segue from the old blog. So one of the prominent seams with raggedy stitches is that I’ll probably remind everyone of regular recurring blog characters. Hannah is a good place to start.
+ For getting on forty years. EEEEEEEP.
^^^ Never make plans concerning technology! Never. Make. PLANS!
^^^^ The price is obscene. But the way they have you by the throat is just the way it doodahdoodahBADLANGUAGEdoodahdoodah is. WHICH? magazine reviewed the X and said it was pretty well as wonderful as its reputation, except for the price, but not to worry because some of its rivals are less expensive and nearly as good. No they freaking aren’t. In the first place you have to go Android, and I’ve already made that choice once and I have a very small brain and I am NOT going to learn a whole flapdoodling new flapdoodling system, thank you very much . . . and in the second place the equivalent Androids aren’t that much cheaper.
And then the so-called choices Apple does give you: storage size, for example. You can have something the size of a plastic bucket a kiddie takes down to the seaside to pile sand in . . . or you can have something the size of a planet. Jupiter, say. Or Kepler-1647. Nothing in between. So how many people are going to spend what amounts to the GNP of Brazil on a piece of tech and only be able to keep a few handfuls of sand in it? Even for a savings of seven pounds sixty-three? NOT VERY MANY.
% Speaking of important recurring blog characters. RAPHAEL. COMPUTER ANGEL. MAKE A NOTE.
%% Although I’m not sure if these were for me or the iPhone. The spells tech wizards and Computer Angels perform to get their rabble to behave are beyond mere human comprehension.
** Most of my email isn’t working. For example. Did I say anything about worse-than-usual tech karma? Yes.
*** Hee hee hee hee
**** Sometimes it works.