December 4, 2013

KES . . .



(And now I have only about a thousand questions, some of which are from earlier but are more pressing now that someone has tried to KILL Kes & Sid in their own (brand new) home. For starters, why on earth is Kes a target?

Some of us have a gift for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And what she does for a living has perhaps a slight focusing-the-sun’s-rays-through-a-magnifying-glass effect.  Since I don’t think I’d react well to dead guys in the front hall either, I’m happy to say that the influence my career has had on my life has been a trifle more subtle.*

And why NOW, when she’s moved to a new place?

She was married to a Tech Master.  Tech has a dampening effect on guys with swords from other dimensions.  Now she’s OUT THERE ALL BY HERSELF.**

If she’d stayed in NYC, would mysterious armed men have broken into the penthouse?

Probably not.  All that tech would have confused them.  They would have burst through their dimensional gateway and found themselves chasing reindeer in Lapland.

If any of you have a sudden influx of guys with swords you might want to ask Blogmom what she’d charge you to camp in her back garden for a few weeks till they’re all safely misdirected to Lapland.  Those reindeer can really take care of themselves.

And who’s Bossy Voice and how did he manage to show up in the nick of time?)

Well you’ve now read the next instalment so you know who Bossy Voice is . . . sort of.  Hee hee hee hee hee.


—I can’t wait to find out who the owner of the “strangely familiar voice” is! I suspect that the person has already appeared to Kes in Normal Townsperson incarnation and I’m very curious.

—OK, I had just assumed it was Mr. Watermelon Shoulders from parts 49-50?

—Watermelon Shoulders was my guess as well, but I’d like proof. Plus, him being WS doesn’t rule out him also being Caedmon or something/someone else as well, right?

Nope.  It doesn’t.  Hee hee hee hee, con’t.

[Forgive me, copying from the forum and pasting into Word is fraught with translation difficulties.  Those descending box things for people to carry on a conversation don’t transfer AT ALL and trying to attach who said what to whom is a freller.  You can always go look it up, right?  I’m just giving you the context for me to hang an unhelpful, hellgoddessy comment on.]

Well, Ron Driscoll’s got to enter back into this story one way or the other… although I can’t necessarily picture him switching into ‘ye olde speake’ just because we’ve morphed realities…

::grovels and throws dust over her head::  Speaking of other dimensions, I’m afraid poor Ron has got lost in one.  When I started KES I was planning on taking it less seriously than it has decided to take me*** and asked Black Bear before I ever got properly going with it if she’d play with me and do her gamesmaster thing to spur me on.  And then KES ran away with me.†

I’m still hoping Ron might have a look-in during the post-immediate-climactic mop-up, so to speak, in a you-don’t-think-this-is-over-do-you louring and suggestive manner.  Black Bear and I have discussed the possibility of parallel KES stories for the future which makes the best sense to me—like Peter and me finally getting at least two of our joint elemental spirits books out by the simple expedient of writing separate stories.††  But it’ll mostly depend on Black Bear’s patience.  I’m not . . . a wonderful person to work with.  Sigh.



Pre-emptive “create your own” comment in preparation for tomorrow’s forum outage.  †††              

Inarticulate exclamation:______

A. Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
B. Aaaaaarrrgghhh!!!
C. Aaaauuuuuggghhh!!!!

Dramatic consequence of reading post:________

A. I can’t breathe!!!
B. How am I supposed to sleep tonight???
C. My heart nearly stopped!!! I’m going to need a pacemaker!!!

Obligatory name-calling:______

A. You evil woman, you!!!
B. Why do you TORTURE us like this!!!!!
C. Evil, horrible hellgoddess!!!

Delighted response to ________’s action, or sympathy for the same character’s predicament.

A. Kes
B. Sid
C. The hob
D. Mr. Watermelon Shoulders
E. Caedmon

Ending statement:______

A. Can’t you PRETTY PLEASE post another episode tomorrow?
B. Where’s my time machine???
C. How are we supposed to wait a WHOLE WEEK after that cliffhanger???

This had me so falling down laughing you’ll have to forgive me (again) for hanging it in its scintillating entirety out here on the blog.  I do have an excuse, because I know that some of my friends who only read the blog to keep an eye on me never penetrate into the depths of the forum and it would be a pity if they—and any of the rest of you—missed it.

I’ll also just add here that while forum members don’t rank in the millions or anything, if I posted a birthday KES for every forum member who had a birthday . . . I WOULD BE VERY BUSY WRITING KES.‡


Pre-emptive “create your own” comment in   preparation for tomorrow’s forum outage.     

‘It can be seen that with this prose the forum member ‘Blondviolinist’ has made a significant and insightful contribution to the forum reading experience, adding to the dynamic expressivity created by forum members engaged with the weekly posting of KES’

‘And causing the top of the hellgoddess’ head to disengage with the rest of her skull just long enough for her to recall in VIVID DETAIL why she bailed on the academic life the moment she escaped her undergrad college with her BA in her teeth and plunged into a sordid life of genre fiction.’


“Lady Kestrel.” Sounds suitably heroic, doesn’t it?

Yes.  Poor Kes.

 But will all that blood just disappear at dawn the way things just appeared after dark?

No.  Next question.


. . . is anyone else tempted to pour five quarts of viscous fluid onto the   floor to see how much it is?

I thought about it, then thought about how much I don’t want to clean that. Should have been a visual aid in middle school science class though. Imagine the angry notes parents could have sent!

All of this.  I was just thinking about it again yesterday when I bled about a pint all over the landscape from a glancing blow with a tiny pointy wire end near the cuticle of my left forefinger.  BLOOD.  Really a very little lot of it is a lot lot.  Also, in quantity, it pongs.‡‡  And if you’ve ever cleaned up after critter birth, I know it’s not the same stuff‡‡‡, and it’s full of smelly hormones, but it contains blood, and it’s thick and icky and slithery and . . . and that’s even in a good cause, you know?  Birth.

I’m feeling really anxious about Kes’s books, too. I want to help her move them out of the way.

YES.  THIS.  Although this is also an example of the occasional weirdness of doing a serial in tiny chunks like this.§  This ep originally did not have Kes worrying about her books—worrying about her books originally came in the next ep.  But I realised that all you book fetishists out there would be freaked out—I would be freaked out in your position:  it would be the first thing I thought of—so I figured I’d better register the question immediately.  As to what happens, well . . .


Well, if you’ve ever accidentally dropped an entire gallon of milk on the   floor…. (Not that I would ever have done such a thing, and a gallon is one   quart too few.)

I thought about that, but milk doesn’t coagulate, and I’m enough of a nerd that I would want the fluid to have that feature.

Yes.  Viscous.  Your word for it the first time.  The meniscus, if that’s still what you call it on blood, is a lot more, um, turgid.  And the thought of it—this thick wave of the stuff much taller than thin milk can achieve—spreading out and spreading out till it starts getting all crusty at the edges. . . . ewwwwwww. . . . .


Loved Watermelon Shoulders wiping his sword on the dead guy (he would, of course)

Oh good.  That’s what I thought.  And an awful lot of successful fiction writing (say I, dangerously giving away trade secrets) is declaring, okay, you’re an ordinary person in this situation, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING AND FEELING?  And doing.  And if you’re a swordsperson with a bloody sword, especially if you’re a polite swordsperson in someone’s house, you need to (a) wipe your sword (b) wipe it on something the householder won’t mind you wiping it on.  But I yield to your greater knowledge of hand to hand combat.  So I’m glad you think so too.

and knowing the name of Kes’s sword…though if he knows her, why wouldn’t he?

Well, you’re never sure about these cross-dimensional bozos.  They often have surprising lapses in their info.

Am thinking “Would I be worrying about the blood getting on my books…or my air mattress and blankets? Because bloodstained books are one thing, but sleeping under bloodstained blankets–not that Kes is going to sleep anytime soon, I can tell (I think I can tell. Maybe)–is not going to be pleasant for her at all.

Unless the floor lists in the wrong direction—and I will put in a special petition that it doesn’t—the bedding is okay.  The dead guy is in the front hall, not the kitchen, and Caedmon’s niche is off the kitchen.

But you’re right that sleep isn’t coming up in Kes’ schedule any time soon. . . .

Mwa hahahahahahaha.

* * *

* Mostly.  So far.  There’s still time for everything to go dimensionally skew-whiff.  And most of my friends thought Peter had kidnapped me.

** Except for Sid.

*** There’s going to be a dead guy and a large yucky pool of blood, okay?  And Kes has a sword with a name.  Are you taking notes carefully?  Are we making ourselves clear?

† I have a very long history of failing to collaborate.  Peter could tell you about the last twenty-two years.  But I can remember starting to illustrate [sic] the story a friend wrote about a mare and her foal when we were both nine, and my deciding that the story would go better like this and my friend taking exception.

I just didn’t think, to begin with, that KES was quite, um, real and therefore at such high risk of my Anti-Collaboration Gremlin.

†† Even if some of them have had the distressing habit of morphing into novels, trilogies, etc.


‡ Hey.  Stop that.  You do want me to finish PEGS II and III, don’t you?  And hellcritters would pine if we never went hurtling any more.

‡‡ Aside from other bodily functions that may occur involuntarily as a result of sudden death.

‡‡‡ Does human blood smell any better or worse than other mammalian sanguineous fluid?  Discuss.

§ And no I’m NOT going to make them any longer.  See previous footnote †††.


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