August 29, 2013

I suppose roast bank manager would give the hellpack indigestion?



I got a robot letter from my bank today saying OH GEE WE’RE SO SORRY THAT YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH OUR SERVICE!!!  WE WILL SO TRY TO WIN YOU BACK!  HERE, HAVE SOME VIRTUAL FLOWERS, A LOT OF SNAKE OIL, AND NOTHING ELSE WHATSOEVER!  You’re expecting substantive action from us?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  We’re a gigantic global corporation!  WE DON’T GIVE HALF A HOT STEAMING TURD ABOUT YOU AND YOUR CRUMMY LITTLE ACCOUNTS!!!*  And we’re leaning back with our feet up anyway because we know that all of us banks are equally greedy, rotten, careless and incompetent,** and therefore it wouldn’t do you any good to move to another bank!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Thinking about it is putting us into such a good mood . . . here.  Have some more virtual flowers.  And maybe some (virtual) chocolate.  Is there anything else you’d like us to fail to give you?  A Ferrari F40?  An all expenses paid trip to Lhasa, guaranteed snow leopard and yeti sightings?  A perfectly trained, perfectly behaved, blue-blooded, over-championed-pedigree hellterror destined to win at CRUFTS?

Well.  Certainly not the last one.  I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

The hellhounds are not crazy about this single-stream thing with our hellterror.***  What do you mean she’s coming with us?  AGAIN?  She was just loose about the place† a few hours ago.  WE NEED TIME TO RECOVER.  Yesterday I managed to have them all out before supper and I introduced the hellterror to the delights of begging for chicken scraps while I put their meal together.  During the pre-hellterror era I told you that the previous generation of hellwhippets was NOT ALLOWED NEAR the end of the kitchen where food preparation was going on, and were allowed out of their bed only on the word of command when the food bowls went down.††  But hellhounds have been such an uphill struggle about eating at all that when they first showed signs of begging for scraps while I cut up their chicken I was all over this.  Hellterror has been protesting this rank favouritism for eleven months now.  Having her out even worked pretty well:  hellterror fixated nicely on what appeared under her nose and hellhounds are used to their scraps being tossed to them anyway.

Today however hellhounds were not having any of this, feeling that hellterror exposure was way past acceptable limits after they had suffered a brief hurtle with her—may I just add in my defense, a superfluous hurtle—AND THEN SHE WAS ACTUALLY ALLOWED ON THE SOFA AGAIN.   IS NOTHING SACRED.  So they sulked in their bed and I . . . got down on the floor with a handful of kibble and chicken fragments and began running Pav through her repertoire†††, which is, southdowner says, to be expanded to include ‘stand’ because that will make SHOWING her easier.‡

Ah.  Hmm.

* * *

* Actually, I had guessed that already, thanks.^

^One of the things I keep remembering as I continue to fail to get anywhere is that they contacted me originally and I met with a live human being when I had that this-year’s-salary single lump sum in my account.  Which if they’d bothered to check the preceding twenty-one years they’d find is a pattern and I won’t get another lump sum till this one is down to about enough to buy a knitting magazine, but not enough to buy a subscription to a knitting magazine.  Granted the live human being was pretty low level—in keeping with the level of the lump sum—and given the result possibly lower even than that.  But she wasn’t a robot letter coming in most of a month after the event, and a fortnight after the complaint.

** And on the contentious subject of comma use as bandied about on the forum last night:  I write mostly by ear and somewhat by eye.  I don’t agree that using a final comma before ‘and’ in a series is how people talk or that its presence causes less confusion.  I don’t like the way a final comma makes a series sound in my ear and I don’t like the way it clutters up its sentence to my eye.  Except on those occasions when I want that pause because to me punctuation marks are mostly about pause and quality of pause.  I don’t care about rules.  I care about rhythm.  I use punctuation accordingly.  It’s funny I used to work as a copyeditor since (ahem) I am not the ideal subject for copyediting.

*** The mad, marginally trained one.

† Some of you will be aware that something like a fortnight ago I tweeted that the MIRACLE had occurred, the hellterror was asleep in her crate with the door open.  I may have mentioned this here before because it continues to be approximately the ONLY time this has happened—because she rapidly realised she’d rather be asleep at my feet^ or better yet in my lap.  Remember when she OUTGREW my lap?   That didn’t stop us long.  I do have to remove puppy^^ from counter/table/laptop/plate occasionally and sometimes WHEN WE SIMPLY CAN’T GET IT TOGETHER I revert to being one-handed again but we’ve gotten pretty creative and she has a very flexible spine.  And still doesn’t mind dangling even now she’s twice the size she was eleven months ago.  Note that a hellterror snoring into your armpit tickles.^^^

^ And I was fool enough to put a blanket there so she could be comfortable.

^^ Yes, she’s a year old.  And your point would be?

^^^ I still haven’t figured out knitting with a lapful of critter.  When it’s just the hellhounds I can kind of leeeeeean off the sofa so the long trailing bits miss them.  But it’s not an ideal system and is very bad for my output.

†† Holly and Rowan were mostly pretty hellterror-like about food;  Hazel was more hellhound-ish.

††† She’s left-handed.  She gives you her left paw immediately and has to be heavily prompted to give you her right one.  This could be my erratic training protocol but I think it’s Pav.  Horses are strongly handed/hoofed/sided;  the folklore I learnt about this is that it’s to do with which way they’re curled up in the womb.  I don’t know if this is true of dogs as well.  Even though puppies come in batches, presumably it’s still pretty crowded in there and puppy foetuses still curl.


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