Tool Use*
Speaking of last minute Christmas presents, From the Fo’c's’le by David Kasanof looks good to me**, especially for any remaining toolly blokes on your gift list This comes up because a few days ago hedgehog posted this on tool use in response to a tangent on a sub-thread about–ahem!–unblocking toilets***:
http://books.google.com/books?id=EthebQl0QoIC&pg=PA96&dq=David+Kasanof+screwdriver
. . . Makes me feel a whole lot better about my tool use. That I even have a half-decent set of tools–which I do–is an aberration mostly supplied by my husband, although I used to have a very nice hammer which I brought with me to England which he lost. But my idea of crucial tools are things like my jackknife, for hacking parcels open and the (*&^%$£”!!!!!!! plastic packaging off CDs†, my needle-nosed pliers for wrenching little bits of jewellery back together again, and that telescoping TV-antenna thing with the magnet on the end of it so you can fish the house keys out from behind the dashboard.†† I didn’t have one of these when I did it, and had to ring the RAC†††, which was embarrassing, but he had one and I went out and bought one immediately, although it lives in a drawer beside the Aga because there is a tiny gap between it and its surroundings, and there was once a small box of safety pins and. . . . It’s also good for making a sweep over the bedding after you’ve been sewing buttons on, if you tend to sit on the foot of your not-very-well-made bed to do minor hand sewing and tiny pointy things may go missing in the wrinkles till . . . AAAAAUGH.
Furthermore I have been on a sailboat twice that I can remember in the last thirty years, and Kasanof makes me laugh.††† Old houses have a good deal in common with old boats . . . and really, what else are you going to take a paint tin lid off with but a screwdriver? I’m not going to risk my jackknife.†††
And since this is about tool use and Christmas, this also from hedgehog, which also made me hoot with laughter, must have tools for Christmas:
http://newsgroups.derkeiler.com/Archive/Rec/rec.aviation.homebuilt/2005-12/msg00450.html
* * *
* I am writing this accompanied by a nice hot cup of tea. It is a nice hot cup of tea courtesy of a USB Cup Warmer. You’d think a USB Cup Warmer was pretty straightforward: it has a cup-sized hot plate at one end, an electric flex, and a USB plug at the other end. But the manufacturers have kindly provided detailed directions which for your delectation I reproduce here: USB CUP WARMER INSTRUCTION SHEET. Introduce: The USB HEATER keep your drink in a warm condition all the time through plugging USB connector in any USB port on the DESK TOP PC. It’s really a thoughtful warmer the necessaries of your life. CAUTION: Keep your hand off the heating plate when loading.^ Don’t put any plastic container on the heating plate. A laptop must be connected with the AC power cord while using this product. We recommend to use this product with a desktop. –This is a laptop, by the way. Thus proving that the instruction sheet is entirely irrelevant because the only item of useful information on it I’m ignoring.
^ Loading?
** Except for the fact that the combined forces of amazon.com and amazon.co.uk have only three copies in total
http://www.amazon.com/Focsle-David-Kasanof/dp/1574090348/ref=sr_11_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1229274102&sr=11-1
But if we all order copies, think of how happy Sheridan House and David will be at the sudden little blip in sales. Speaking of unexpected publicity for obscure writers who should be better known, I was astonished yesterday to find the reissued SUNSHINE on the opening ‘browse’ page for SF&F and horror at Waterstones.com.
It’s gone today.
*** Forum members appear to divide into three categories: those who can unblock a toilet, those who can’t, and those who can but don’t want to. I belong emphatically to the last.
I am perhaps insufficiently disturbed by Nyarlathotep and the Blob^ and others in the squishy-monster pantheon^^ because I spent most of a year in what should have been a very nice little–emphasis on the ‘little’^^^–flat in Back Bay in Boston. Its only visible drawbacks were its size and the fact that its two enormous windows–its only windows, you understand–looked out on the alley where the dustbins lived^^^^, which meant no sunlight to speak of, but I was young in those days and wasn’t a sunshine junkie^^^^^ yet . . . and the mustard-coloured carpet. Sort of dijon mustard coloured. Sort of dijon mustard coloured after you’ve left the lid off. Sort of dijon mustard coloured after you’ve left the lid off for several months and you’ve just found the jar in the back of the refrigerator. I have forgotten many details of my young years but somehow I remember that carpet. It was not only mustard coloured, it was textured. But I didn’t think I’d mind either the view or the carpet all that much because I had a real office job+ so I’d only be there evenings and weekends, when I would have my head down over the typewriter. And BLUE SWORD, as it happens.++
The hidden drawbacks, however, included the law students in the flat above me who had no carpets and an undesirable predilection for parties. Large, noisy parties, on any or all evenings–and late nights–of the week. When I objected, they merely invited me. Uh, thanks, but, uh. . . .
But even this pales in comparison to the Interesting State of the Plumbing. I was the rear cellar flat. I was the lowest flat in the building. And when anything went wrong upstairs, it came up through the orifices in my flat. That was the first and last time I’ve ever had a garbage disposal: I’ve never been able to feel friendly toward one since. Toilets, however, I managed to make my peace with: I’ve also lived with outhouses and composting toilets, so I can say without doubt or hesitation that I am an effete over-civilised member of the decadent first world and I like my indoor plumbing. I just like it to work.
^ And the killer tomatoes
^^ No, no, not because they’re silly. I would never say that.
^^^ Do they still euphemistically call one-room flats ‘efficiencies’?
^^^^ And the local cats gathered for carol fests all year long
^^^^^ Ahem
+ Yes, it happens to writers too.
++ A very, very, very long time ago, this was
† And no, actually, my CD covers do not look like they’ve been clawed by mad goblins
†† Fire that designer. That gap is there why–?
††† Laughter is good right around the winter solstice when it’s dark all the time
‡ AAA equivalent
‡‡ Sure I’m not. Fortunately this particular knife seems to have a very strong hinge. And I still prefer a screwdriver for chiselling and prying.
I will discuss gardening tools some other evening.
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